The Trump VP race heats up in South Florida. Who even wants the job?

The Trump VP race heats up in South Florida.  Who even wants the job?

Trump’s vice president position brings the kind of job safety found only among nervous snake handlers and crash test dummies.


One of the biggest questions surrounding Donald Trump’s re-election campaign — aside from “Will he or won’t he be a convicted felon?” and “Are we really doing this again, folks?” – is a tricky one: who will be the current suspect’s former president and vice presidential candidate?

It is remarkable that someone is considering applying for a job. It’s like asking volunteers to volunteer for sticking your finger in an electrical socket. Trump’s vice president position brings the kind of job safety found only among nervous snake handlers and crash test dummies.

And yet people are actually competing for the gig. A group of them traveled to South Florida this weekend to humiliate themselves in front of a twice-impeached, one-term former president who demands absolute loyalty but doesn’t dispense it.

A parade of unfortunate souls is actually hoping to be Trump’s VP pick

Reported contenders include billionaire Doug Burgum, Governor of North Dakota, New York Representative Elise Stefanik, former GOP presidential candidate Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina and Senator JD Vance of Ohio.

Senator Marco Rubio of Florida – who once called Trump a “con artist” and said that “he’s been hanging on to the little guy his entire career” – was there too, presumably traveling in his hermetically sealed Bubble of Hypocrisy.

Also in the battle for the VP slot, I assume, is a large mirror that tells Trump how handsome he is every time he looks into it, and a gold box that broadcasts a recorded message: “You’re absolutely right, sir! ” – whenever a button on top is pressed.

Who will be Trump’s vice president? Please let Donald Trump choose Katie Britt as his vice president. It would be a hoot.

But wait. Where is Mike Pence in all these VP conversations?

Conspicuously absent from the cynical South Florida Keister Smooch Fest of 2024 was former Vice President Mike Pence, who had the audacity not to help Trump stage a coup and is now persona non grata in the MAGA wing of the Republican Party. That a former president’s own vice president won’t even endorse his current presidential candidate is a staggering fact that is often overlooked, probably because that former president is already drowning in dozens of charges and keeps falling asleep during his first criminal trial.

But I digress.

Just trust Trump. When has he ever made a bad decision?

Whatever Trump took away from this weekend’s parade of potential victims, the timing of his decision is anyone’s guess.

Newt Gingrich, who some time ago traded his spine for a MAGA hat, told USA TODAY: “I relax and watch to see what (Trump) does; he will only do it out of intuition.”

Oh yeah. That famous Trump intuition. The one that led to repeated bankruptcies and corporate failures and a failed re-election bid and a small army of former Cabinet members whom he hired and whom he now describes as a collection of losers and losers.

Rather than positing which loser Trump will ultimately choose (although my money is on the compliment mirror), it seems easier to lay out the requirements for Trump’s vice presidential candidate position.

Killing dogs can cost Noem VP: Who knew Americans loved puppies?

7 requirements to be Trump’s vice president

  1. The souls of all candidates must have completely left their bodies, along with all dignity, morals and self-esteem.
  2. The ability to always agree with Trump is essential. If Trump says “2+2 = 5,” the candidates should be willing to accept that as fact and order the imprisonment of any math teachers who disagree.
  3. Logical consistency is not considered an asset, and candidates must be ready and willing to loudly shout things that are transparently untrue and often make no sense at all.
  4. An ideal candidate should be comfortable with potentially being hanged by an angry mob.
  5. Preference will be given to candidates who have not killed dogs. (Sorry, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem.)
  6. The candidates must be willing to listen to Donald Trump Jr.’s podcast and engage in at least one conversation with Eric Trump per month without laughing.
  7. And finally, all candidates must be not only willing but excited to have every ounce of their decency and credibility evaporate in the service of a man who wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire.

All morally flexible people who made their way to South Florida this weekend have a chance to be selected. But like I said, if we’re being honest, the full-length mirror is a clear frontrunner.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook